I Wish I Could Tell Her...

So there is this girl. She's absolutely wonderful, charming, and funny. Every time I talk to her I feel myself falling for her more and more. She's caused something to happen in my mind, that I don't really have words for.

It's a warmness, a fluttering... I feel like she just understands me. Like I don't have to wear that mask that I wear for so many of the people around me; though sometimes I'm not so sure which version of me actually is the mask.

I feel this other emotion too... Fright, terror, fear... I don't know if it's because of a slew of bad relationships, or if I'm just scared of change. It makes me feel like one wrong step, one minor mistake and everything will come crashing down around me, leaving me to clean up the rubble of another failed attempt to build something good.

It makes me feel like damaged goods. As if I'm not good enough for anyone... How could anyone love me when I've been broken, left out in the rain, shoved to the back of the closet, stowed in the attic, left to gather dust... Forgotten. I'm so scared that I can't help but apologize about every possible tiny mistake. Pathetic.

I'm scared to tell her all this... because what if she thinks that I'm not worth trying to fix. What if I'm broken beyond repair?  Classic stories men are supposed to be brave, we are supposed to fight off the dragon, and save the princess... But there are rarely stories about men who get saved... I want to be strong... I want to be brave...

But I can't. I'm a scared little child, crouched in the corner weeping. So scared of the real world, that I hide in made up places until the storm stops blowing. She makes me want to be brave... Because I see that she needs help too... She's just like me... Different minded... Strange... Weird... Aspergers.

The more I feel like hiding in the corner, the more I want to venture out. The more afraid that I'm broken, the more I want to prove I'm not. The more I think that I'm not worthy for such a wonderful human being, the more I want to try for it...

I don't know what it is... But every time we talk, I feel like nothing is wrong. Like things will work out... I think she's beautiful, even when she doesn't wear makeup and wears a hoodie... Before I fall asleep I can't help thinking what it would feel like to fall asleep next to her; what it would feel like to cradle her in my arms... When she's upset, I feel even worse... I keep finding myself listening to Bryan Adams... My stomach is full of butterflies every time I see her...

I wish I could tell her all these things...