I Wish I Could Tell Her...

So there is this girl. She's absolutely wonderful, charming, and funny. Every time I talk to her I feel myself falling for her more and more. She's caused something to happen in my mind, that I don't really have words for.

It's a warmness, a fluttering... I feel like she just understands me. Like I don't have to wear that mask that I wear for so many of the people around me; though sometimes I'm not so sure which version of me actually is the mask.

I feel this other emotion too... Fright, terror, fear... I don't know if it's because of a slew of bad relationships, or if I'm just scared of change. It makes me feel like one wrong step, one minor mistake and everything will come crashing down around me, leaving me to clean up the rubble of another failed attempt to build something good.

It makes me feel like damaged goods. As if I'm not good enough for anyone... How could anyone love me when I've been broken, left out in the rain, shoved to the back of the closet, stowed in the attic, left to gather dust... Forgotten. I'm so scared that I can't help but apologize about every possible tiny mistake. Pathetic.

I'm scared to tell her all this... because what if she thinks that I'm not worth trying to fix. What if I'm broken beyond repair?  Classic stories men are supposed to be brave, we are supposed to fight off the dragon, and save the princess... But there are rarely stories about men who get saved... I want to be strong... I want to be brave...

But I can't. I'm a scared little child, crouched in the corner weeping. So scared of the real world, that I hide in made up places until the storm stops blowing. She makes me want to be brave... Because I see that she needs help too... She's just like me... Different minded... Strange... Weird... Aspergers.

The more I feel like hiding in the corner, the more I want to venture out. The more afraid that I'm broken, the more I want to prove I'm not. The more I think that I'm not worthy for such a wonderful human being, the more I want to try for it...

I don't know what it is... But every time we talk, I feel like nothing is wrong. Like things will work out... I think she's beautiful, even when she doesn't wear makeup and wears a hoodie... Before I fall asleep I can't help thinking what it would feel like to fall asleep next to her; what it would feel like to cradle her in my arms... When she's upset, I feel even worse... I keep finding myself listening to Bryan Adams... My stomach is full of butterflies every time I see her...

I wish I could tell her all these things...

What If...

http://www.aspergerrus.com/asperger-cards.html

I've been thinking. What if I didn't have Aspergers? What would my life have been like. Well for starters, I probably wouldn't have been interested in Legos, Fantasy, Science Fiction. I probably wouldn't have been interested in playing Dungeons and Dragons. I probably would not have asked my friend about D&D that morning, in Chemistry Class, during my Junior year of high school.

 If I hadn't done that, I would never have met all the wonderful people in my life. I probably would have gone to college, gotten a degree, and gotten a job somewhere. I would probably have a girlfriend. But instead I dropped out of college my second semester, I became invested in gaming. I met the best sort of people. People that make life interesting. People that I can truly love. If it wasn't for Aspergers, I wouldn't have discovered any of that. It brings tears to my eyes that if I didn't have Aspergers, I probably wouldn't have met any of the people I hold so close to my heart. I probably wouldn't be sitting here writing this, I'd probably be off at some university writing a paper or studying.

I almost definitely would have been able to support myself...

Even though I wish I could have all those things, I've realized that if by some miracle I could magically not have Aspergers and live in a world where I understood social situations, a world where I was neurotypical. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Aspergers has given me a unique gift. My friends. No, my family. Vixy and Tony I think said it best:

But them that run with me's got my back 

It's a fool don't know that his family's his crew

If I didn't have Aspergers... I can't imagine... I'm proud to say, I have Aspergers, and I wouldn't trade that for the world, because this is who I am.

http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/077/9/7/aspergers_by_miissrowena-d4t4keb.png

Thoughts on the Matter: Horror Stories in Fiction and Film

A great horror writer [H.P. Lovecraft] once said, "The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown." I agree.

While I might not be afraid of the dark itself. I do fear the things that lurk in the dark. The things that I cannot see. Fear is one the most powerful emotion that exists. We fear loss, death, pain, solitude, etc. 

I myself don't enjoy most horror films. Now when I say 'horror films' I'm referring to the monster movies, and slasher flicks. I am easily startled by sudden movements and loud noises, so jump scares basically give me cardiac arrest. Now the kinds of horror that I do love are the ones that make you think, the ones that take real life and make you think, 'oh my god, that could actually be real.'  The films that are more psychological and cause you to think. 

Cabin in the Woods is a great example of that. While it is technically a spoof of the horror genre, It combines the typical horror story with an element of Cosmic Horror. Also anything Joss Whedon has any role in is pure gold.


Horror in literature is completely different from film, in the idea that it can't rely on timing and terrifying imagery. It relies on the basis that a person's imagination will scare them more than anything else. Mary Shelly and Bram Stoker, while labeled by most people as 'Horror', in my opinion are not in my paradigm of horror as the stories don't scare me. To me they are Gothic Fiction.

Horror books to me are the writings of H.P. Lovecraft, Edgar Allan Poe, and Steven King. Those stories to me are terrifying because they make me think, or they tell the stories that discuss the perversion of the human mind.

 

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Something I Realized While Being With Friends

Alright. Here I am once again. Home from a night of socialization. I feel annoyed, confused, disappointed, and a couple of other feelings that I can't name at the moment. Ever since being diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, I have become increasingly aware of what I do, say and think. Unfortunately this has caused my thoughts to race, and to give me a lot of stress.

Am I talking to much? 

Should I ask about them? 

What should I ask? 

What if it is a touchy subject? 

Maybe I should shut up now. 

But I want to tell someone about this idea/story/world I came up with.

This is the truth of my life. A constant whirl of questions and thoughts. I often come to the same idea or sequence of events, "When can I go home? How to I dismiss myself. I just want to be alone." It's terrible because I want to be with these people... but I don't understand them, and they don't understand me.

Realization? I am an outsider among outsiders.

My friend's are the folks that are typically branded as geeks, nerds, eccentric, bookworms, weirdos, etc. But even though we share so much in common, They cannot begin to imagine what is happening in my head and I can't comprehend what is going on in theirs. Thus my realization...

My mind works on a whole different level of insane, which out comes the stories that I publish here and those that I don't share. A level where I see a problem and I see a solution or method that no one else sees. A level where I see details that no one else noticed. I tend to only consider my own ideas, never taking into account what someone says. How could they match up to my perfectly calculated plan? I see the world so differently to everyone else, how could I consider what someone else says? They are obviously to dumb to see the truth that is right in front of their nose. IT'S SO CLEAR! SHUT UP AND LISTEN AND LOOK! CAN'T YOU HEAR IT!? CAN'T YOU SEE!?

No. No you can't because you cant even begin to think like I do; to see as I do. But I wish you could. I wish for one day, you could look at the world from my eyes. If only... Only then you could understand... Only then you could realize why I do what I do. It's not something I can turn on and off. Though I wish I could.

I do not focus on the negative side of it. Which appears to be how it comes off as. I only wish to explain. Explain how I feel. I love who I am. I can do things that you can't imagine. I just wish to share. But what's the point of sharing if you can't understand.

You should definitely go check out this article: 10 Things You Should Know About "Aspies" It might provide some idea how I work.

Frozen's "Let It Go"- Why It Resonated With Me

I recently watched Disney's Frozen for the first time. The movie struck home for me. Something about Elsa's story just grabbed me. I saw elements of myself in her. We all know the song "Let It Go". There have been dozens of parodies and fan versions. But when I heard it, the lyrics had a deep resonance. So I thought I would go through the lyrics and highlight the parts that for me in particular hit so hard, and explain why. Now it's really hard to put into words, the exact emotion that the song gave me. I don't have words for it. This is the best I can do.

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I'm the queen.

As someone with Aspergers, I definitely have the feeling that I live in a world of isolation. A world where I see things so different than other people, that they can't even begin to understand what is going through my head.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

So, I often have the feeling that there is a mass of frustration constantly pulsating inside me. I try to keep it under wraps, keeping it hidden. But sometimes I can't control it anymore, and it bursts forth like a river breaking a dam.

I don't care
What they're going to say

Sometimes I think I care too much. I wish I could just not care about what people say about me. Though, I really don't care what people think of my writing. My writing is something that for me is a powerful expression of how I feel or how I view things.

It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!

I often tend to run away to a special place when I become stressed. There I am safe from everything, the monsters in the dark, the creeping fear of not knowing what is coming next. 

It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

When I put my mind to something, or I get an idea in my head, this is exactly how I think. There is nothing to stop me. Also when I write I have no rules for what I can and can't say. It's just me, the blank page and my mind. I am free; free from social constraints, free to do what I want. 

Thoughts on the Matter: Deadpool Test Footage

Recently leaked was the Deadpool Test footage. I can not begin to explain how excited I am to see this. Now there have been several articles already written about the test video, so I'm not going to look at it bit by bit, and talk about the whole deal with Fox (still mad at them for canceling Firefly). Now when the footage was leaked it was low quality and fairly short, I didn't get to see this due to Fox pulling down all the videos. Now I have only seen the HD upload which is fucking amazing.

Now I was introduced to Deadpool by a friend maybe two years ago. I have never been really big into comic books, though I have enjoyed reading the Dark Horse Star Wars comics; the Aliens, Predator, and ultimately the Aliens Vs. Predator comics published by the same company. I downloaded the Deadpool comics from the 90's. I instantly fell in love with the character. The "Merc With the Mouth" was a character that I never really saw in my narrow expanse of comic book knowledge
First off, he was bat-shit crazy. With essentially three minds in his head, he was an amazing strategist. He was a smart-ass and would often psych out his foes.
Secondly, he wasn't afraid to kill someone. He used guns, bombs, swords, and basically whatever he felt like it.

Now I know that there are probably other Comic book characters that do the same thing. But like I said, I'm not a big comic book nerd/geek/fan.

Back to the Video:
As I watched it, I noticed a few things that made me squeal like a schoolgirl.

1. Deadpool is voiced and mo-capped by Ryan Reynolds 
2. Deadpool is writing/drawing/coloring with crayons.
3. He breaks the 4th Wall in the first fifteen seconds of the video.
4. The continuous stream of smart-ass comments.
5. The language is in line with what I know of Deadpool.
6. The violence!

Now there is a huge conversation on the internet about how the Deadpool movie should be rated-R. I completely agree, on the premise Deadpool wouldn't be Deadpool if the film was rated PG-13. From what I've read, Ryan Reynolds and Tim Miller (Director) are pushing for an R rating. But it seems like the studio is hesitant to make an R rated 'superhero' movie since the 'Dredd' flopped in the box office.

Now here are my thoughts on the matter, Deadpool is not Judge Dredd. Deadpool appears to have a bigger fan base. So I think that the film would score a large profit.

*****

Link Dump:

• Screen Rant: http://screenrant.com/deadpool-test-footage-leaked-ryan-reynolds.
• Entertainment.ie: http://entertainment.ie/cinema/news/Watch-Deadpool-test-footage-has-been-officially-released/276777.htm
• What Culture: http://whatculture.com/film/8-things-you-need-to-know-about-the-leaked-deadpool-test-footage.php
• NerdREP: http://nerdrepository.com/deadpool-test-footage-official-release/
• Dark Horse: http://www.darkhorse.com/
• Marvel: http://marvel.com/

Picture Source: http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/full/funny-pictures-Deadpool-auto-403641.jpeg

Most of My Friends are Older than Me (and I wouldn't trade them for anyone)

http://the-toast.net/okay/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/gentlemen.jpg

Due to some current events that have transpired. I have realized that I enjoy the company of people older than me. No offense to people of the same age as me, this is completely exclusive to the people I know. I find that people my age (I'm 19, turning 20 in July) are frustrating and annoying (Once again, no offense to the people of my age). Now I do have several people my age that I do enjoy hanging out with. But they are in the minority. Using the phrase "Lost hope in Humanity" is a bit of an understatement for some of these people. The people that I do enjoy are usually loads older than me. My best friend and roommate is twenty five. I love having discussions with the Historical War-gamers at The Wyvren's Tale, most of which are wonderful older chaps. I guess that my maturity level is very high. I love that I am able to be silly and people older than me laugh.

They all have differing backgrounds and wisdom to share, and even though that I am years younger, I might even have some wisdom that they don't have. I have never had a dull conversation with my friends, and I am thankful for this. My friends seem to have no drama. Though it might come up. But usually it is a minor event and it doesn't effect group dynamics.

Why I Enjoy Writing Mystery/Crime stories.

Source: http://samron.deviantart.com/art/Lovers-341215748

So, I have discovered that I love writing mystery and crime stories. But why? Well first off it is incredibly easy. You take the crime and figure out exactly what happens. From there you come up scenes revolving around characters discovering clues. This allows the reader to piece together the clues as they read. Letting them figure out what is going on with the characters.

Secondly; it might be that I have a sadistic side, but I love coming up with ways to commit a murder. (To the NSA Operatives reading this, I am just a writer) The psychology of why someone kills is fascinating. There is usually a reason; lust, greed, hate, anger, contracts, etc. But sometimes there isn't. Maybe the perpetrator could be mentally deranged or psychotic. Something I hope to explore later.

I often find myself walking down the street and I pass an alley, and I think, "Huh, that would be a good place for a murder. Then I take pictures so I can describe the area later.