Crazy

I must be insane. For my whole life, I've refused to conform to societies pre-conceived notions of reality and what is acceptable. I saw no need to dress "in-style". No need to force my beliefs on anyone. I spoke my mind, and didn't care what people thought of me. I tell things how I see them. I am brutally honest. I notice the small things, like the smell in the air, the sounds that surround me, the texture of my seat, the tastes of the food I'm eating. I don't bother with petty social situations and small talk.

I create worlds, places, and landscapes. But I don't consider myself a god in anyway because those worlds, have their own gods. I simply gave life to something, out of nothing. I am in no way divine. I create languages that have never and probably won't ever be spoken out loud. I disappear into worlds that solely exist in my mind and in the billions of words I write.

I want to share these worlds but no one wants to visit them. So I become frustrated and upset. I become angry, because I see people with "less interesting and detailed" worlds have others flock to visit. What's so special about those places that mine doesn't possess? I don't really know.

Alienation is the product of non-acceptance. Most days I feel alienated because of how I think or speak, and thus, the cycle of rage and frustration continues. I don't understand why things happen or why people think the things they do. I get angry because no one sees what I see. I think they are all blinded by "what is socially acceptable"; so worried about what is appropriate or what is taboo, that they miss all of the small yet important things in the world.

Thus I must be crazy; because I refuse to conform to societies pre-conceived notions of reality and what is acceptable. I see no need to dress how everyone else does. I speak my mind, and don't care what people think of me. I tell things how I see them. Autism is my super power.

So many songs express these emotions...

Oingo Boingo- "On the Outside"
"They laugh at me out loud, they say I'm just a clown
That I ain't got no ride, I'm on the outside
The girls look really cute, they really make it work
They think I'm just a jerk, I'm on the outside"

The Beatles- "Nowhere Man"
"He's a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody"

"Doesn't have a point of view
Knows not where he's going to
Isn't he a bit like you and me?"

Joan Jett- "Misunderstood"
"It was hard to get along when I was still in school
I never meant to do no wrong but I broke all the rules
An' I was prone to non-conformin', but what harm did I do?
I could see the world was crazy an' I was crazy too
Misunderstood with no one I could tell
Misunderstood by people I know well!"

Dream Theater- "Solitary Shell"
"He seemed no different from the rest
Just a healthy normal boy
His mama always did her best
And he was daddy's pride and joy"

"As a boy he was considered somewhat odd
Kept to himself most of the time
He would daydream in and out of his own world
but in every other way he was fine"

"He struggled to get through his day
He was helplessly behind
He poured himself onto the page
Writing for hours at a time"

Sometimes

• Sometimes I feel so alone, yet I am surrounded by people.
• Sometimes I shout out loud, but I am rarely heard
• Sometimes I hide, but want to be found.
• Sometimes I smile, yet still cry.
• Sometimes I am calm, but on the inside I am furious.
• Sometimes I reach out, but think "What's the point?"
• Sometimes I dream happy dreams, where I'm dying.
• Sometimes I pretend, just so people won't worry.
• Sometimes I try to love, but all I can think of is the pain that is sure to come.
• Sometimes I'm trapped, but don't want to be free.
• Sometimes I feel scared, when I should feel safe.
• Sometimes I wonder what comes after death, but I'm scared to find out.
• Sometimes I wonder who really cares, But I can't think of very many.
• Sometimes I have a lot to say, but other times I have no words.
• Sometimes I hear "Get over it", but that makes me hold on even tighter.
• Sometimes I try my hardest to succeed, but still fail over and over again.
• Sometimes I wish to be normal, but normal is boring.
• Sometimes I wish that the people who call themselves my friends would take the time to listen, but no one ever does.

What I Really Want For My 21st Birthday

This year, 2015, marks the date of my twenty-first birthday. Now, the twenty-first birthday is a major thing here in the United States because once you turn twenty-one you can finally drink alcohol. Normally, when someone turns twenty-one they celebrate by having a pub-crawl or something related to booze. But since I'm not "normal"(we've discussed this already), I don't want to do something like that.

What I would really, really, really, really, like for my twenty-first birthday, is for all of my friends to watch a series of videos. It's simple. It costs nothing, except for the cost of your internet bill, and probably won't take a long time to do. Definitely much shorter that having a party or something like that. It would mean so much to me, if they could watch these videos that I will be embedding below. I will also include my own thoughts on the subject of the video. I would also like my friends to let me know that they watched all the videos. Either by commenting or liking the Facebook post, or message me.

Enjoy! :)

Rosie King. This is one of the first videos I have shared to death. It describes what it's like to be autistic.



Amythest Schaber is another person I have discovered, probably through my mum. In fact the majority of these videos will be by her.



This is the first video I think I saw of Amythest. It really hits home because I've had so many of these things said to me. One of the things I absolutely hate hearing is "Let it go" or "Grow up" or "Welcome to being an adult" or something to that effect. To me saying anything similar to the phrases I listed means you are dismissing the fact that I have an issue with something or someone. And because of this, It makes me hold onto whatever I have a problem with even tighter. It also makes me very upset, because I came to you with something that is bothering me, I trusted you to try an help me work through it, and you basically laughed at my issue and dismissed it as not an issue.

As for my special interests, I love Vikings, Scotland, Hardboiled Noir, Westerns, Science Fiction, World War II... Huh... interesting, those are all the things I write about or own RPGs based on these things...


This is something my parent's have experienced numerous times. Mostly due to stress. She speaks of some videos that simulate Sensory Overload. The one that I feel is the best, or closest to how I feel when going places. Watch that video here.



This is something that I think I've been going through in the past few months. Continuous dark thoughts, depression, contemplating suicide, rage, etc.


Stimming. Here is something most of my friends don't see, because I'm afraid that I'm going to be laughed at or made the center of attention... One way I stim is to gnaw or chew on something, a guitar pick, pencil, or whatever I happen to find in my pockets. Another thing is to fiddle with my lighter. I have a Zippo and I love the sound it makes when it opens. That plink! click! plink! click is so satisfying. I also flap when I get incredibly excited. Like when I watched the Star Wars Episode 7 Teasers, I was like an excited little bird. Music also is something I use to stim. Either I play music, or listen to music really loud. I know there are even more things I do to stim, but I can't think of it right now.



I don't really say this stuff out loud, or if I do it's under my breath, for the same reason I don't stim in public really. There are several phrases I often use to soothe myself. "Valar Morgullis/Valar Dohaeris", "Shotgun", "The night is dark and full of terrors", "Buttons! Ooh! I love buttons!", "It was a dark night in a city that knows now to keep it's secrets",  "Protect me cone!" along with several other things. A lot of these are quotes from A Song of Ice and Fire, or Red Vs. Blue.



 I seriously think out every social situation down to possible words to use in sentences. Because then I have a way to "predict" what might happen.


Sometimes it happens... sometimes it doesn't


Thank you for reading, watching and listening.

Snowflakes

Snowflakes,

From a distance they all look the same,

But upon closer inspection

They are all quite different.

Some might be comparable to another,

but look carefully,

Even the comparable ones

are vastly dissimilar. 

Snowflakes,

A natural occurrence,

Impossibly beautiful,

But only if you take the time to get to know them.

So Poetry hasn't been my thing since high school, unless it's an epic poem in the style of Beowulf. But thanks to someone I've met recently I've become inspired(?). 

(Online) Dating

Lo! Here we have one of the most baffling, bewildering, complicated, perplexing and upsetting thing ever, dating and relationships.

Dating is fucking bizarre. Since I don't enjoy going to bars or anywhere with a lot of people, the whole thing of meeting new people doesn't really happen. Even if I see someone attractive at the coffee shop or at my friends store, how do I approach them? What do I say? How do I begin a conversation? So, instead of becoming stressed, I just keep my mouth shut and absorb myself into whatever I was doing at the time. After a while I decided to take up online dating. It had to be easier than actually meeting people in person. Right?

WRONG! Online dating is even more complicated and confusing. At least the way I see it. You are plunged into a world of arbitrary statements, self-advertising, answering stupid questions so that you can be "matched" with someone who is "compatible".

So here is something that is part of the Profile, "You should message me if:". This section is filled with statements like, "If you can grow a beard", "If you aren't an asshole", "If you have tattoos", and numerous other autocratic statements. How do you know if you aren't an asshole? Search me.

Another thing I've noticed. People keep saying they want honesty in a potential mate. Believe me when I say, "I am over qualified to fill that position." I have some restraint after years of getting into trouble for simply telling things how they are.

I've been on Ok Cupid for about a two years now, and Plenty of Fish for just about 7-8 months, with little to show for it. I've gone on a few dates, but they've never really lead anywhere.

I keep having acquaintances and friends tell me that I'm interesting, or I'm attractive. Well... They're obviously lying. Because according to my success rate in dating in general, I am the most hideously, ugly, horrible, monstrous, repulsive being on the planet. Yeah, I'm not buff, "swoll", or even thin. I know I'm a overweight, and am taking steps to rectify that.

So If anyone has the answer to that ever elusive enigma that is dating.... GIMME! Because I'm sick of this whole fumbling charade I keep playing.

Cynicism and "Busy"

As I've stepped away from adolescence and into adulthood, I've noticed something. I have become increasingly cynical towards the world and my life. I theorize that this is the direct reaction to a series of events that have happened in the past few years. Bad breakups, constant rejection, confusion, frustration and numerous other things.

As an Aspie I already have trouble with, for lack of a better word, "things". Things I have already mentioned in previous posts, that I don't feel the need to go into again. 

While I talk to people, I put on a mask, a facade, a veneer, a frontage, a bluff, so that I may appear, okay, fine, alright, not wanting to break down and cry like a little baby because I just cant handle everything that is going on in my life right now and I just wish it would stop for just a second so I can catch my breath and organize my thoughts. It's kind of like that Smokey Robinson and the Miracles song, "The Tracks of My Tears". I smile, I joke, and I laugh, but really, I just wish someone would take the time to realize that I'm sobbing inside.

I've often asked myself, "Would anyone miss me if I just disappeared for a little while?" The obvious answer is, well my parents and family would notice. But what I really want to know is, would any of my "friends" notice (Friends is in quotations here, to express the emotion of cynical doubt that I have been feeling recently). Would they even bother to take a few moments from their busy life to ask, "Where is Galen? He was here a second ago." My summation? I don't know, they appear to be so busy with their lives that they hardly have time to read one of my posts, or watch that six minute video, or read that short little story I sent them, or listen to an idea that I have. That is my belief, formed from perpetual observation, and I'm going to stick by it until someone corrects me. 

This brings me to another thing I've been hearing recently, "I'm sorry I can't. I'm really busy," or some other variation of the statement. 

Yes. I don't have a full-time job. But not for lack of trying. Even though I might not have a job or get a steady paycheck, DOES NOT MEAN I AM NOT BUSY! Seriously. I am busy writing, drawing, writing, reading, painting, writing, watching a favorite television program, gaming, visting Iswed or Heimurinn or Fawrion, playing music, exploring internet, or writing. These things all occupy my precious time and just because they are typically considered "pastimes" or "hobbies" doesn't make them "non-busy-making". Just because I'm busy with things that I enjoy, not a soul-sucking wage slave job that makes me want to do nothing more than get wasted out of my mind when I get home, does not make me Not-Busy.

Side Note: I wouldn't say I'm typical. So of course things typically referred to as "pastimes" and "hobbies" probably shouldn't apply to an Atypical. If I'm willing to take the time out of my precious time to read something you post, or ask me to listen to an idea, or what ever. You should take the time to look at my things.

Now I understand that people actually are busy. No quotations this time. I completely understand that you have to make money to pay the rent and bills. I get it! I really do! But when you've heard "I can't, I'm busy," with no explanation, for the 10,000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000th time (Exaggeration), it becomes tiresome and feels like a cop out.

Listen

Here is something that I seem to be saying a lot recently. Listen. Just listen!

I like to talk. You can ask my parents, who have spent countless hours of their lives listening to my blather on and on about what ever is going on my head. Bless them. As an Aspie, I think the biggest compliment anyone could ever give me is letting me express my creativity how I want, when I want, and where I want. I have these imaginary worlds that I just want to show people, and the only way for me to share is for someone to listen.

I like to push the envelope. I’m incredibly keen on seeing how far I can take something; just how much can the branch take before completely shattering into a bazillion splinters. Why? I’ve asked myself that exact question numerous times. The conclusion I’ve come up with is: 

“I enjoy pushing the envelope because I know the reaction I’m going to receive. If there is anything I have mastered via my social ineptness is how to get a negative reaction from people. I know that if I tell someone about this demonic creature I’ve come up with, that all the creatures are male, and the only way for them to reproduce is to impregnate a human female. After being implanted, the embryo grows quickly over the course of twenty-four hours. Once it is fully grown, it proceeds to claw its way out of the woman’s vagina causing extreme laceration and ultimately death, they are going to have some sort of negative reaction.”

You’re squirming aren’t you? Is your face is contorted into a grimace of horror and disgust? Good! Because that’s the desired effect. 

I’ve also come to the conclusion that I’m sadistic. Not in a S&M type way. What I mean by sadistic is that I love to watch people becoming paranoid or nervous. I enjoy playing games that allow for me to watch someone’s face as the paranoia of not knowing or uncertainty washes over them like a great wave. Probably because it’s a similar feeling that I get on a daily basis. 

But back to being listened to. 

I hate being ignored. For me to be ignored is one of the biggest insults. This has happened several times when I message people on OK Cupid. Things will be going so well, but as soon as the figure out that something isn’t quite right about me… “Nope, not talking to him anymore.” Because of this, I wrote up a copy and paste message so that I can explain that I have been diagnosed with Aspergers, and explaining my various ticks and quirks.

Here is the message: 

“Hey, how's it going? I'm Galen. I'm going to be honest here because I'm so sick of people finding out later and then completely writing me off as damaged, or think that something is wrong with me.

I have been diagnosed with Aspergers, a high functioning form of Autisim. What that means is that sometimes, well most of the time, I don't understand social situations and customs. I'm stupidly brutally honest; I'm not trying to be mean though... I look at the world differently. I often retreat into my own world. Sometimes I just don't have words to express my ideas. I like routines. I have the tendency to go on and on about one thing, as I assume this message is going to turn out as.

I constantly wish to be "normal", and then I ask myself "What is normal?" Just because I've been made fun of for enjoying worlds where magic exists, or because I don't conform to societies narrow view of "normal". Asking me to be "normal" is kinda like telling someone who's gay to just start liking the opposite sex. 

Nothing is wrong with me. This is just how I am. I'm caring, creative, and understanding, and brutally forcibly honest. 

Sorry about the several paragraphs but after talking with people for a while, and then I tell them I'm diagnosed with Aspergers, they ignore me. So I figured it would be better to nip it in the bud and tell someone in the first message.”

This allows me to figure out who is willing to listen to what I have to say, and not just write me off because I’m a wee different. 

Different

Let’s see. Where should I begin? 

Well, I always knew I was different. I wasn’t like the other children; I rarely made eye contact, I preferred to read opposed to play outside. To me that was normal. As I grew older I struggled to find my place… Hell, even now, I still don’t know where I should be. But I do one thing…

I know who I am. I can do things most people can’t. But yet again, I can’t do things most people can. I don’t like to say, “I have Aspergers” or, “I am Autistic,” because it doesn’t feel like that. I don’t know what it feels like. I prefer to say I have been gifted with something that doctors refer to as Aspergers. A lot of people seem to think that Aspergers or Autism, means that there is something wrong with the diagnosed person. Nothing is wrong with me, or anyone else on the spectrum. We are just a bit different.

Different… In my short twenty years on this bizarre and alien place we like to call Earth, I have learned some interesting things. Society seems to praise brilliance and innovation in just about every field. They praise; hell, glorify even, the people who think outside of the box. Just to name a few, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, JFK, Tesla, Darwin, and Einstein. All of these people were different, they make you think, they challenge your preconceived notion of reality. They pushed society forward, forcing us to change. They made you listen to what they had to say.  I have a few words out to describe these people, extraordinary, interesting, brilliant, amazing, fantastic, intelligent, creative, and innovative. 

I watched this video titled, “Rosie King: How autism freed me to be myself”. This is probably one of my favorite videos explaining what Autism is like. This little British girl gave me the words to explain what it feels like. My favorite point she brings up is that people try to fit everything into these tiny little boxes with specific labels.  Why? Because even though, we as humanity praise the extraordinary people who have changed the world for the better, we are fucking terrified of anything new or different. Humanity is programmed to hate anything different. It is a savage hangover from our primal pasts, and because of this we try to force out anything or anyone that might cause unrest. We all try to be “normal”. We hate anything bizarre, strange, queer, or different…

Normal. What does “normal” mean? According to Dictionary.com, Normal as an adjective means, “conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural,” -or- “serving to establish a standard,” -or- in Psychology, “approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment,” -or- “free from any mental disorder; sane.” 

Sounds rather boring to me. But according to what I have seen and experienced; being made fun of for: being interested in dragons, elves, and goblins, being bad at most sports, loving the idea of traveling through space and discovering new and exciting places, not being interested in anonymous sex, etc… Normal must be the greatest compliment someone should ever be given. Right? 

Oh contraire, the compliments we give are along of the lines are, “You are amazing,” “That was awesome!” What if someone told you, “You are really normal!” It’s laughable, because no one does that! We praise the extraordinary but then we cut down those who are different because they are different. 

Just look at homosexuals and transexuals. The LGBT people that I know are some of the best people I know. They are loads more interesting than a lot of the people I periodically come into contact with. Here we have these incredibly different people, and guess what? They can’t get married. They are cast out by their own families and friends, just for being a little bit different. Do they not bleed when they get cut? Do they not breath the same air as everyone else? Are they not human beings? Then why do we prosecute these people? Why do we try to make them into this thing called “normal”? Oh, because they like to have sex with members of their own gender? Because they aren’t happy with their gender and want to change it? What?! 

Why does it matter that Jim likes to have sex with guys? Why does it matter that Lisa likes to sleep with girls? Why does it matter that Jackson/Jackie isn’t comfortable in their own skin and they are taking the steps to become comfortable? Guess what? It doesn’t. 

The same goes for people on the Autism Spectrum. Here we are, being made fun of not because of who we like to have sexy-fun-time with, but because we look at things differently, or we don’t behave exactly like everyone else. People on the spectrum are as diverse as everyone else in the world. Not one of us are exactly the same. We are as diverse as fingerprints or snowflakes. We share a lot of the same traits, but we are all unique. We just want to be accepted the way we are.

Every day I go through a titanic struggle. I have to fight through every second of every hour, of every day, of every week, of every month. I have to live with a persistent feeling of doom, anguish, and terror. Am I exaggerating? Probably, though not by much. It’s not as easy as one might think. I hate hearing that “life isn’t fair.” No shit, life isn’t fair. You can easily talk to someone, when I don’t even know how even begin. You can go to the supermarket with out having to mentally prepare yourself. Imagine if you will, that every second of the day you are scared; scared that you might make someone angry, scared that you might be singled out, scared that you might run into someone you know, terrified you might accidentally do something wrong. Yeah, life isn’t fair. 

What If...

http://www.aspergerrus.com/asperger-cards.html

I've been thinking. What if I didn't have Aspergers? What would my life have been like. Well for starters, I probably wouldn't have been interested in Legos, Fantasy, Science Fiction. I probably wouldn't have been interested in playing Dungeons and Dragons. I probably would not have asked my friend about D&D that morning, in Chemistry Class, during my Junior year of high school.

 If I hadn't done that, I would never have met all the wonderful people in my life. I probably would have gone to college, gotten a degree, and gotten a job somewhere. I would probably have a girlfriend. But instead I dropped out of college my second semester, I became invested in gaming. I met the best sort of people. People that make life interesting. People that I can truly love. If it wasn't for Aspergers, I wouldn't have discovered any of that. It brings tears to my eyes that if I didn't have Aspergers, I probably wouldn't have met any of the people I hold so close to my heart. I probably wouldn't be sitting here writing this, I'd probably be off at some university writing a paper or studying.

I almost definitely would have been able to support myself...

Even though I wish I could have all those things, I've realized that if by some miracle I could magically not have Aspergers and live in a world where I understood social situations, a world where I was neurotypical. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Aspergers has given me a unique gift. My friends. No, my family. Vixy and Tony I think said it best:

But them that run with me's got my back 

It's a fool don't know that his family's his crew

If I didn't have Aspergers... I can't imagine... I'm proud to say, I have Aspergers, and I wouldn't trade that for the world, because this is who I am.

http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/077/9/7/aspergers_by_miissrowena-d4t4keb.png

Something I Realized While Being With Friends

Alright. Here I am once again. Home from a night of socialization. I feel annoyed, confused, disappointed, and a couple of other feelings that I can't name at the moment. Ever since being diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, I have become increasingly aware of what I do, say and think. Unfortunately this has caused my thoughts to race, and to give me a lot of stress.

Am I talking to much? 

Should I ask about them? 

What should I ask? 

What if it is a touchy subject? 

Maybe I should shut up now. 

But I want to tell someone about this idea/story/world I came up with.

This is the truth of my life. A constant whirl of questions and thoughts. I often come to the same idea or sequence of events, "When can I go home? How to I dismiss myself. I just want to be alone." It's terrible because I want to be with these people... but I don't understand them, and they don't understand me.

Realization? I am an outsider among outsiders.

My friend's are the folks that are typically branded as geeks, nerds, eccentric, bookworms, weirdos, etc. But even though we share so much in common, They cannot begin to imagine what is happening in my head and I can't comprehend what is going on in theirs. Thus my realization...

My mind works on a whole different level of insane, which out comes the stories that I publish here and those that I don't share. A level where I see a problem and I see a solution or method that no one else sees. A level where I see details that no one else noticed. I tend to only consider my own ideas, never taking into account what someone says. How could they match up to my perfectly calculated plan? I see the world so differently to everyone else, how could I consider what someone else says? They are obviously to dumb to see the truth that is right in front of their nose. IT'S SO CLEAR! SHUT UP AND LISTEN AND LOOK! CAN'T YOU HEAR IT!? CAN'T YOU SEE!?

No. No you can't because you cant even begin to think like I do; to see as I do. But I wish you could. I wish for one day, you could look at the world from my eyes. If only... Only then you could understand... Only then you could realize why I do what I do. It's not something I can turn on and off. Though I wish I could.

I do not focus on the negative side of it. Which appears to be how it comes off as. I only wish to explain. Explain how I feel. I love who I am. I can do things that you can't imagine. I just wish to share. But what's the point of sharing if you can't understand.

You should definitely go check out this article: 10 Things You Should Know About "Aspies" It might provide some idea how I work.