Cynicism and "Busy"

As I've stepped away from adolescence and into adulthood, I've noticed something. I have become increasingly cynical towards the world and my life. I theorize that this is the direct reaction to a series of events that have happened in the past few years. Bad breakups, constant rejection, confusion, frustration and numerous other things.

As an Aspie I already have trouble with, for lack of a better word, "things". Things I have already mentioned in previous posts, that I don't feel the need to go into again. 

While I talk to people, I put on a mask, a facade, a veneer, a frontage, a bluff, so that I may appear, okay, fine, alright, not wanting to break down and cry like a little baby because I just cant handle everything that is going on in my life right now and I just wish it would stop for just a second so I can catch my breath and organize my thoughts. It's kind of like that Smokey Robinson and the Miracles song, "The Tracks of My Tears". I smile, I joke, and I laugh, but really, I just wish someone would take the time to realize that I'm sobbing inside.

I've often asked myself, "Would anyone miss me if I just disappeared for a little while?" The obvious answer is, well my parents and family would notice. But what I really want to know is, would any of my "friends" notice (Friends is in quotations here, to express the emotion of cynical doubt that I have been feeling recently). Would they even bother to take a few moments from their busy life to ask, "Where is Galen? He was here a second ago." My summation? I don't know, they appear to be so busy with their lives that they hardly have time to read one of my posts, or watch that six minute video, or read that short little story I sent them, or listen to an idea that I have. That is my belief, formed from perpetual observation, and I'm going to stick by it until someone corrects me. 

This brings me to another thing I've been hearing recently, "I'm sorry I can't. I'm really busy," or some other variation of the statement. 

Yes. I don't have a full-time job. But not for lack of trying. Even though I might not have a job or get a steady paycheck, DOES NOT MEAN I AM NOT BUSY! Seriously. I am busy writing, drawing, writing, reading, painting, writing, watching a favorite television program, gaming, visting Iswed or Heimurinn or Fawrion, playing music, exploring internet, or writing. These things all occupy my precious time and just because they are typically considered "pastimes" or "hobbies" doesn't make them "non-busy-making". Just because I'm busy with things that I enjoy, not a soul-sucking wage slave job that makes me want to do nothing more than get wasted out of my mind when I get home, does not make me Not-Busy.

Side Note: I wouldn't say I'm typical. So of course things typically referred to as "pastimes" and "hobbies" probably shouldn't apply to an Atypical. If I'm willing to take the time out of my precious time to read something you post, or ask me to listen to an idea, or what ever. You should take the time to look at my things.

Now I understand that people actually are busy. No quotations this time. I completely understand that you have to make money to pay the rent and bills. I get it! I really do! But when you've heard "I can't, I'm busy," with no explanation, for the 10,000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000th time (Exaggeration), it becomes tiresome and feels like a cop out.