Concerning My Mind (Updated)

Here I am once again. Unable to fall asleep due to racing thoughts. I was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. Which in retrospect makes a lot of sense. I won't go into the details here. But here is how I'm feeling at the moment. This is all stream of conciseness, so bear with me.

I recently posted this to Facebook:

"I read all these stories about people with Aspergers and how people with Aspergers are usually incredibly smart and intelligent… but I just feel stupid because a simple entry level job is so terribly difficult for me to even begin to consider doing… Sometimes I just cry because I literally cannot find words to express my emotions. All I've ever wanted was to be understood and be able to do simple things like everyone else; like find and keep a job. I wish that I could understand social situations. I wish I could engage in small talk. I wish that going to the supermarket wasn't something that I am terrified of doing. I wish I could tell someone that I didn't like them, but I cant because "It's rude" or "It's dishonorable". All I can do to find comfort in the swirling madness that is social situations is run away and hide in a fantasy world where I am in control of every detail. People keep telling me that I'm brilliant. If I am then why doesn't it feel that way? I just want to be "normal" meaning like everyone else. Able to do the simple social things that everyone else is capable of doing. Things that to me are seem like climbing Everest or going to the moon."

And even though I got a massive response from friends and family; telling my how there is no such thing as "normal". Saying that I am brilliant. Saying that how I can pretend, that I can play a character. I feel even more alienated because I can't pretend. My brain just doesn't work that way. I can not just pretend that I like going out in public. I can't just pretend to understand social situations. And I can not just pretend that being around people for to long doesn't make me want to hide away for a long time.

A lot of times I get asked, "What is normal?" or something to that effect or variation. To me normal is being able to engage in small talk, being able to comprehend and navigate social situations. To be able to things that I see other people are able to do with ease. Plain and simple.  For the people that say at "Normal is a setting on a dishwasher", or "Normal is just a word", how bout you look at it from my perspective. I have never been able to do what everyone else does. Yet no matter how hard I try I fail. Normal is more than just an idea to me. Normal is how I wish I could behave.

Recently I came across a problem where I came off as a jerk. But in my mind, based on the context of the situation that I was viewing, my remark could only be taken in jest! But I found out later that it wasn't taken as such.

I have often cried myself to sleep because I am so confused and frustrated. Why can't people see the world as I do? It's so obvious, just open your eyes! Just listen! I cry because there is no other way to express my emotion. Due to this confusion and frustration my thoughts often turn to dark, brooding, cynical, hateful thoughts towards people, which has fueled my creation of the World of 2043. A world where no one wins, and there are no happy endings. People often tell me that things will get better. Well it's been about six or seven years that people have been telling me this. That everything will work out. Well? When is that going to happen? When will everything work out?

Sometimes how I feel about random things....

Now people have told me that I'm still young. Just a young person. Fuck you. Fuck you. Yes I might not be able to drink, I might not have been alive as long as most of my friends. I have been told that, "No one knows what they are doing." Bull-fucking-shit. You know exactly what you are doing. You are just saying that to make me feel better.

Back to my idea of the World of 2043.

In my writing, yes people might succeed, they might be happy, the hero might get the girl BUT! It never lasts. In the end they fail, they are un happy and the hero, who isn't truly a hero, doesn't get the girl. The end is death, failure, desolation, angst, and sadness. *SPOILERS*

Jack and Rubi are mirrors of myself. Jack deals with something that he can't really explain to anyone else (his PTSD from serving), which is a metaphor for me not truly being able to explain what the hell is going on in my mind. Rubi is a talented hacker. Now I am by no means a hacker. But her abilities as a hacker are an analog for my skills as a writer, Something that comes naturally to me. Now Rubi has one true friend, Cal. Someone that not at all times understands what is going on in Rubi's head, stays by her friends side no mater what. Cal is someone I wish I had in my life.

I see my friends go on dates. Find someone to share their most intimate moments with. I want someone who I can do that with. But I don't understand how to go about it. I don't like going out, so how do I meet people? Dating Sites? Tried that. Its complete and utter horse shit.

I'm tired of people saying one thing but then changing their minds with out warning or reason. I'm tired of being lied to, being stabbed in the back, manipulated. I am not a toy to be played with! I am a human being!

In the words of River Tam:
"NO! It's not okay! You can't dig into me, shove pointy needles in my eye and ask me what I see!"

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“What would happen if the autism gene was eliminated from the gene pool? You would have a bunch of people standing around in a cave, chatting and socializing and not getting anything done.”
― Temple Grandin, The Way I See It: A Personal Look at Autism & Asperger's

“And now I know it is perfectly natural for me not to look at someone when I talk. Those of us with Asperger's are just not comfortable doing it. In fact, I don'treally understand why it's considered normal to stare at someone's eyeballs.”
― John Elder Robison

“When the anger is intense, the person with Asperger's syndrome may be in a 'blind rage' and unable to see the signals indicating that it would be appropriate to stop. Feelings of anger can
also be in response in situations where we would expect other emotions. I have noted that sadness may be expressed as anger.”
― Tony Attwood

“I've met so many parents of the kids who are on the low end of the autism spectrum, kids who are diametrically opposed to Jacob, with his Asperger's. They tell me I'm lucky to have a son who's verbal, who is blisteringly intelligent, who can take apart the broken microwave and have it working again an hour later. They think there is no greater hell than having a son who is locked in his own world, unaware that there's a wider one to explore. But try having a son who is locked in his own world and still wants to make a connection. A son who tries to be like everyone else but truly doesn't know how.”
― Jodi Picoult, House Rules

You can't even begin to comprehend...